Sordid Tales from the Gutter-Banned from Wibs!

It was a clear dark night...wait...that's Regulators...sorry. I made my way to Ship to arrive at around 9:30. Between Emily and I, we slug a bottle of Yellow Tail chardonnay (the big one, I think it's like a gallon of wine or something). Once finished, Emily, Marty, Jess, and myself swing over to Wibs. Put back a round of shots called a Valentine (this pink concoction which I doubt had any alcohol in it). Move to the pitchers and a few games of pool, starting to get a load on. Last call: 1:45 a.m. Backtrack: Now I'm not sure exactly when I blacked out, but I saw my buddy Nate at the bar and had to chug with him, apparently many times over the span of around 4 pitchers. This makes my blackout time somewhere around 1:00 a.m. Back to last call, I'm on my way out the door, realize my jacket has somehow gone missing. Swing back to the barkeep to ask him if he's seen my jacket. To which he replies, is it the brown one? Boom, I get excited. I'm instructed to go to the pizza counter to retreive my belongings, where I find an extremely intoxicated bouncer holding my jacket. Bold faced, he says to Emily and I "You two are no longer welcome at Wibs, have a nice night". Not the words I wanted hear, I demand an explanation! He replies "I should call the cops, you're lucky I haven't." The agitation is rising, I don't deal with vagueness well. I lean over the counter, get in the bouncer's face, and say "what the hell are you talking about." He pulls a stash of fine greenery from the pocket of my coat, apparently I had forgotten to remove prior to leaving for the establishment. Shocked and stunned, I ask for my jacket. Surpisingly he hands over the coat, with all the contents in tact, and exclaims "You two are no longer welcome at Wibs". Clearly fired up, I make my out the door and into the old Sig Tau house next to Wibs, which apparently isn't the Sig Tau house at all, much to my dismay. So at this point I can hardly walk, I would say strikingly similar to the patented neanderthal knuckle drag as perfectly executed by Mr. Call. Make our way to Fort Street, and I'm making my way down the street very similar to a Pinball machine, bouncing from side to side of the street off of cars and telephone poles. Finally, Emily has had enough, and leaves me to die on the hood of a 92 Chevy Cavalier. Knowing I won't follow her, she comes back a minute later and tries to drag me to the house. Very reluctant am I, I fly back and smack down hard against a retaining wall. Now my signature hat is on, concealing the gaping wound I suffered as a result of the fall. Back to the house, I fall onto the couch and mumble hate words to her and all her roommates and all their boyfriends. Not until Emily once again tries to pick me does she notice I've lost close to pint of blood and has since soaked into her lovely couch. Now the house has turned into a war hospital, using anything and everything to stop this bleeding, including maxi pads and bandanas among other things. Apparently this is when I fall asleep, unable to be stirred from my deep blackout dreams. A combined effort between Marty and Emily's roommate's boyfriend gets me to her bed, where I proceed to bleed straight through the night. Emily got a combined 30 minutes of sleep between making sure I was breathing and stopping the blood. Overall a great experience, as now Emily's roommates hate me even more than they did before, and I no longer have to step a foot into that dreadful bar, Orky's it is boys.