Brother Lou & Sister Fran

Will answer all of your questions here.

Brother Lou Background   Brother Louis was born and raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Starting Catholic grade school at Age 6, his love of God started at a young age. Dubbed a real up and comer at age 7 by Sister Rosita after learning the Hail Mary in less then 1 minute and remaining a virgin through the 3rd grade he seemed well on his way to Catholic supremacy. All through grade school and high school he often was seen giving to the poor, in confession every Saturday,  praying for all sinners and memorizing all the stations of the cross. Its often said that during masses Brother Louis would be so overwhelmed with the love of God that he would begin cry.   Life took a cruel turn and presented its first mountain to overcome for Brother Louis however at age 18. Brother Louis unwisely chose to attend what can only be dubbed the cradle of sin, Shippensburg University. The devil quickly overcame Brother Louis in this atmosphere and before he knew it Brother Louis was partaking in such appalling acts such as keg races, basement grind parties, fornication with young coeds, drunk walks on the goat path, stage dancing at Wibs and consuming beverage named Natural Ice.      After college Brother Louis was a lost soul and well on his way to hell…..   When God shined his divine light on him   Brother Louis was barely getting through life and could only be described as a hopeless cause. Then on August 12, 2008 God quickly came back into his life. While sitting at his desk playing on the interweb machine Brother Louis states he stubbed his toe on the desk wall. He was in so much pain he couldn't even skip anymore. Then upon clicking on a link his devilish friend sent him however, http://www.themonastery.org , his stubbed toe suddenly stopped hurting and he felt a rush of energy all throughout his body. At this point he knew it was the Lord Jesus Christ telling him to shape up and rejoin the Jesus lovers of this world. After intense study, preparation, and a lot of time and effort Brother Louis was ordained, Reverend Louis, within the Universal Life Church on August 12, 2008. Since this moment Brother Louis aka The Reverend, has been led down a better path in life and has a lot of potential ahead of him,   Hobbies   The Future, Science, Growing Beard, Marrying Friends, Viking Funerals

Brother Louis/Sister Fran...

My friend Josh Squatchmall has full blown AIDS... he tells us that he got it from intravenous drug use, but we know he is a good clean young man and would never touch a drug, we believe that he secretly has relations with men but is afraid to "come out" and tell us... how do we approach such a touchy subject... He also will probably want to get married to a dude as well...

Sincerely,

Nicholas J

Brother Lou

Hello Nicholas,

First off let me say may God be with you in all your travels and good deeds.

Now as far as your question goes, Reverend Louis is assuming that when you say “relations with a man” you are talking of Anal Intercourse. Reverend Louis tells all his followers an old psalm he once was told from his friend “Sharon” while performing community work in the Devil Loving town of Sea Isle City when the subject of man on man Anal Intercourse comes up. The Psalm went as follows”

Anyway you want it,
That’s the way you need it,
Anyway you want it

You see what this wise prophet Stephen Perry was speaking of was man’s need to follow his heart.  Young Joshua needs reinforcement in this time of need. He obviously is trying to project on you what he feels would be accepted and not letting you know his true love of man on man anal intercourse. Hopefully their marriage is one of true love throughout the rest of his surely shortened life do to full blown AIDS. If young Josh needs a Reverend for this glorious service please send him my contact info.

***Due to state law I cannot perform a wedding in Pennsylvania

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Dear Reverend Louis,

HELP!!  I have a "friend" (Jason B) whom insists I sit on his lap whenever we are together (Please see attached photo as hard evidence).  He usually waits until I am liquored up to forcefully pull me onto his lap. People have witnessed him painfully smacking my ass, and he likes when I start to fight back at him.  I usually just take it for a little while, because he prefers when I am fighting it.  I think he has early signs of a gay rapist.  It's all very creepy to be honest.  He is a very sensitive guy, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't ever want to be on his lap again.  How do I stop these silly gay actions without hurting his feelings? 

Thanks,

Dante Fabrizio

Sister Fran Background Sister Fran was born and raised in Southern New Jersey that she often dubs the Syphillis capitol of the world. Growing up in such a desolate environment propelled Sister Fran into a world of immoral behavior at an abnormally young age. This behavior was also fueled by such influences as Satan himself, her Satan worshipping cousin, and most predominately Jim Henson, creator of the Muppets. By age 14 she had burned down a barn, sunk her friends' parents sailboat and was exposed to an Asian midget porn ring. Rumors also swirled on many satanic and Marilyn Manson blogs that Sister Fran caused the great USA flood of 1993 with nothing but a can of turpentine and three nickels. By age 18, lifted by the knowledge of Lucifer himself, Sister Fran was off to college at the hotbed of fornication and binge drinking, Shippensburg University. Its here where Sister Fran was introduced to a sin happy culture of societal miscreants that took her to her darkest moments. Within a year, Sister Fran was so hardcore of a Jesus hater even this university kicked her out. When God shined his divine light on her The 2000's were dark times for Sister Fran. When asked about these times she often states "What happens at Grandpas, Stays at Grandpas", signifying to all these memories are hers and hers only. It was in August of 2008 that good friend and former sinner Reverend Lou sought out to save Sister Fran. On August 12, 2008 Reverend Lou found Sister Fran and after intense penance, forgiveness from the Lord, and multiple STD tests Sister Fran was saved. On August 12, 2008 Sister Fran was ordained into the Universal Life Church. She is truly the definition of Survivor and many religious publications have since dubbed her the leader of all women reverends. Hobbies Praying, playing with matches, baking meats, Annulments for Friends

Dante,

First off, its admirable that you care about your rapist friends feelings.  I know it must be hard to sleep at night when all you can think about is his hands all over your body, and his hot sticky breath on your neck.  Im sure that sometimes you even blame yourself for being so irresistible to him.  The most important thing to remember is that you are not at fault.  Your friend is sick and he needs to get professional help.

However, Its not too late to fix this situation and possibly still save your friendship.

Here is my suggestion, calmly sit the rapist down and tell him that when he pulls you onto his lap, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Then look him straight in the eyes and tell him that he also needs to keep his hands where you can see them at all times.  Its important to tell him WHY this bothers you.  It is also important not to get him angry or accuse him of being a pervert, even though he clearly is.  Just remember that theres no reason a man should ever slap your ass unless its Easter 1987 at your Uncle Brian's house.  Based on your photo documentation, I can see the pained look in your eyes, and I can see that inside you are crying.  Just remember Dante, while you may think you are being a "good friend" by letting this guy grope you, you should never let someone put something in your ass because you are afraid of "causing a scene".  And based on this picture and the sick grin on his face, you can best believe that the next item on his agenda involves a coke can, a blowtorch, and your asshole.

Blessings!

Sister Fran

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Dear Reverend Louis,

A very good friend of mine, let's call him Nikolai J to avoid any embarrassment, recently confided in me some very disturbing information.  He told me that for the past several years he has partaken in some of the most heinous acts of incest you could imagine. I didn't believe him at first, but the graphic detail he went into of these perverse acts made me realize that he couldn't be making it up. These acts are so perverse they cannot even be found in such pornographic films as I Gave My Mom the Business Vol. 771, Climax Shots 70: My Brown Eye - Not the Winker, the Stinker, and the like. I do not want to go into detail on the nature of these vile acts, but he did mention both giving and receiving cockmeat sandwiches, frothy walruses, and hot carls to name a few.

Perhaps the worst part of the situation is that Nikolai does not understand that incest is wrong.  His reply is "how can it be wrong if it feels so right?"  In light of these facts, I am having trouble coming to terms with being friends with such a vile, Satan-loving pervert.  How do you suggest I deal with this situation?  Also, I do not want to break Man Law, but I fear if I do not tell his fiance about this, the sanctity of their marriage would be compromised and ultimately destroyed if she finds out about his "habits" later on down the road.  What do you suggest I do?  Your advice is greatly appreciated...you are wise beyond your years.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Friend / Jesus Freak

Dear Concerned Friend/Jesus Freak,

First off God Bless you, your family, your love of Jesus and all that jazz.

Now to get to the subject at hand, let me tell you after first reading your inquiry, Reverend Louis puked roughly 4-5 times thinking about these images. Clearly the Devil is at hand here as this sickness is rarely seen in Reverend Louis' daily life. I, for one, am repulsed at the thought of acts so heinous they cannot even be seen in the movie "I gave my mom the Business, Volume 771." Reverend Louis saw this movie back in 1985 while helping a poor youth escape a broken home in El Salvador. 

Sexual Freedom is one Reverend Louis and Sister Fran staunchly support however when it is within your own family and the Business is being given, a line needs to be drawn. Hot Carls are something that cannot be taken lightly especially seeing that he feels so right doing it and is engaged.

Reverend Louis suggests you sit your friend down and read the following speech given once by the possessed Prophet Jermaine Stewart which was recorded by his followers. Although extremely disturbing it points to many devilish ongoings we can learn from here:

"Not a word, from your lips
You just took for granted that I want to skinny dip.
A quick hit, that's your game.
But I'm not a piece of meat, still you like my brain.
Night is young, so are we.
Let's get to know each other better, slow & easily.
Take my hand, let's hit the floor.
Shake our bodies to the music.
Maybe then you'll score.
So come on baby, won't you show some class
Why you want to move so fast.
We don't have to take our clothes off
To have a good time
Oh no
We could dance & party all night
And drink some cherry wine
Uh huh" Not a word, from your lips
You just took for granted that I want to skinny dip.

Obviously your friend Nicholai is looking for a quick hit, he is obviously shaking his body trying to score, and he is definitely not showing class by trying to move to fast. But even in his possessed state the prophet states "We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, Oh no." Clearly dancing and celebrating with the Lord's cherry wine is satisfactory enough.

Please sit your friend down and point to the Lord's other offerings in life and celebrations of different sorts to celebrate with your friend. Incest is the work of the devil and this is not good. For his marriage to work this needs to end.

I hope this help you my friend.

In nomine patre, et fili, et spiritu sanctu….AMEN

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Dear Reverend Lou\Sister Fran,

I'm writing for advice on a friend, we'll call him, Condescending Ass.  CA got married a while back, and more happy for him I could not be.  However, it seems that since he has joined in the joyous union of marriage he feels the need to be the moral compass for everyone else.  I was not aware of any additional knowledge of etiquette or social grace that is imparted in the ceremony, but now, every time marriage, weddings, or domestication comes up, he seems to want to talk down to the rest of us.  Is there a scale of domestication?  Does he feel I'm living at a level barely above beasts because I am not married?  and if There is, does my friend with a wife & kid not trump him?   Your advice in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and I have no hard evidence, but i'm pretty sure he wants to sodomize me with a beer bottle.

Sincerely,

Godless Single Heathen