HeifGuile: A Night at the Theatre

Heif Reviews the Patrick Swayze Classic, "Road House"

It’s everything an 80s movie can be. I’d like to give my interpretation of the love story….

Dalton gets stabbed during a bar fight, he nonchalantly walks out of the bar under his own power and goes to the ER to get stitched up. He happens to carry his medical records on him to the delight of the hot doctor. Dalton coolly declines any kind of pain medicine when she offers him some before she puts 9 STAPLES in his side. His explanation: “Pain don’t hurt.” She staples him up and is clearly wet over his resistance to pain. He invites her to see him at the Double Deuce. She shows up one night absolutely dressed to kill. Dalton is in MID PARKING LOT BRAWL and owns 5 dudes. This does not turn her off. They hang out, go to a diner where she watched him smoke 8 cigs. She is a doctor and again is not turned off at this chain smoking dive bar bouncer. They go back to his place where they start to talk. But when they talk, she is back pedaling and he remains in her face every step of the way. It’s an intriguing game of cat and mouse. A game that anyone else but Swayze would get the police called on them for. Sparks are flying. Chemistry is there, but all this by no means prepared me for what happens next. They kiss. OK, that’s a given. But 5 seconds into the kiss, he guides her hands to undo his jeans and he pulls down her panties. Skipping any and all foreplay, he hoists her up and beings fucking her with an interesting power move up against the stone wall. He crushes her and moves it to the bed…..Next scene, she is naked, asleep alone in his bed, obviously destroyed after taking Dalton’s bird deep. She wakes up to see Dalton. Buck nude, out on the balcony doing what? Smoking a cig. She takes a moment to take in his beauty before joining him outside. When I say join him, I mean lay down next to him, then, without any conversation, rolling over and mounting him again. Much to the dismay of the rich neighbor who is watching.

So over-the-top 80s/rugged it makes fun of itself.

I was also previously unaware of the directors attempt to keep the ladies interested with multiple meaningless sequences of Swayze shirtless practicing martial arts. Truly something for everyone.